Saturday, 4 February 2012
This is Part 1 as if there is or will ever be a Part 2. I just feel like I can go two ways with this saying and there's still another way I could go with this all thing about "doubt". But yeah, don't hold your breath for a part 2 coming anytime in the near future.
God wants me to know that doubt is the greatest gift, - it's the space between two certainties. Any change on its way from one place of stability to the next one, passes through a period of doubt. Your old perspective has to disintegrate, and doubt comes in for a visit - even if only for a moment, before the new perspective takes root.
Doubt is your greatest gift, because from doubt you can go anywhere. I guess you can say, I've been going from one place of stability to the next one. And through that journey from one place to another, that journey between two certainties, lies so many uncertainties. And this, my friends, is where doubt comes into play. Everything I thought was certain at one place, all of a sudden became so dismantled; and there I was lying on the ground in 100 million broken pieces. I suddenly lost grasp with reality.
I didn't know who I was or what I was doing. I was lost. But luckily God held my hand... actually come to think about it, He was carrying me. But even with God reaching out to me, I began to doubt. I've been doubting a lot through this journey; doubting whether or not God's promises were really promises, doubting whether or not I was even discerning the messages right, doubting if I was really truly hearing God speak to me. "Protect your prayer time, because that is the only time you'll be able to recognize His voice from the noise in the world and in your head. He will speak through other people or whisper through a rainbow." Whisper through a rainbow. There's always a rainbow after the rain. All the storms in our lives may seem unbearable at times, but after that storm is a beautiful rainbow reminding us of God's promises, God's love.
I keep looking for that rainbow, hoping I can hear God's promise being whispered through that bow in the sky. But really, I don't get that promise God gave me, nor why He led me to cling onto it even when things seemed so hopeless. Why God's word after word kept pushing me towards this one promise. And I know I still don't quite understand it, but.. that's the beauty! God knows, He sees the big picture and He knows all how the pieces are going to fit in the end. He has a plan for me... and I know it's for me to prosper and not to harm me! (Jeremiah 29:11)
Through this process of being still, I've learned to let go of me trying to understand every single little nitpick detail and just leave it all to God; to trust His mighty ways and to just let Him lead where I may follow. I had to doubt in order to let go. I had to let doubt come and go so that I may finally shed that old me away. So I could let God pick up those broken pieces to make a beautiful new mosaic called me! I really do feel like a different person from who I was when i started on this journey.
I didn't quite think I would get to this point... but I guess my doubt led me this way (sure I guess =/) And in one way or another, I'm happy. I'm happy because I feel like I'm basking in God's presence each and every single moment. Knowing full well that He's taking care of me, even though I don't know what my next step is going to be. But I'm certain... I know, that the next place is going to be the best place I could ever be.. with Him.